have you ever had the feeling that even though you're surrounded by a million friends and your family yet, feel lonely? i've realised that that's what i have been feeling for a very long time. i guess that's the curse of being an introvert and imploder. everything never comes out, it just stays in. for my whole life, everything i've done is to please everyone, seldom myself. everything i though of was for others. be it spending money or just listening. I get scared of spending too much money. why? because my dad is getting old and there might not be enough money in the future. at least that's what i think. dad spends so much money on me, school fee's and such. i'm really thankful for that. for friends, i'm afraid of saying the wrong thing, so i just shut up and listen. it's not fun having a battle within your heart to say something that you think and trying not to offend others. i feel so confused. i'm trying to be self-less yet i feel so selfish. things that are mine, are mine and i have a problem sharing sometimes. thats what i hate myself for. i hate battling within myself. yet, there's no outlet where i can express everything out. i find it difficult to put everything down in words.

everyday, i compare myself to everyone else and i always feel inferior, in everything. i'm not good enough. never good enough. nothing's good enough. compare, the silliest thing to do that prevents you having a good life, yet i can't help but compare. now, i live too much in fantasy land. dreaming about a day where i'll be somethings great and insprational, just like disney, where dreams come true. everytime i watch disney, everything wrong would later have a happy ending. one that you can never feel sad after. i want my dreams to come true. but, what is my dream? sometimes i think i'm wasting my time and my parents money coming to sports school. sometimes i regret choosing this path. that. i want to expreience that. but this is the real world. can it actually happen just like disney? my real dream was never to become a national athlete. but thinking back to the time where i first stepped into this world and made new friends. i don't regret it one bit. i love my friends and they are the best friends ever. but sometimes, just sometimes, when i lie in bed at night before i sleep, i think about what i really want and nothing seems to fit. even my post now feels so random and i have no idea what i'm saying anymore. maybe its not for me to say anything at all. there is only so much that i can express in words. so i shall stop this random post and maybe everything would someday go right. another thing i hate myself for, the inability to write out my thoughts. everything is stuck. in my heart, with no means of escape.